Caterpillar lip

I like facial hair on men. Beards, goatees, long sideburns. Even the much-maligned soul patch. You know. Apolo Anton Ohno has one of those under his lower lip.
I do not like moustaches. On anyone. A caterpillar under the nose. An extension of nostril hair. A reminder of unsavory characters from history and literature. Hitler. Stalin. Dan Dastardly. Vincent Price.
Beards are biblical. Sideburns were named after that famous Union General Burnside. Goatees remind us of cute goats. Moustaches have no redeeming value whatsoever. They are prickly and seem like something awful and alive is coming out of your nose. It also looks as if you are trying to lie and hide it.
I say, abolish moustaches! To fully beard or not to beard. The wimpy, half-hearted moustache will never display the measure of a man. Only the contents of his upper lip follicles.