It Gets Better

I feel fortunate to live in a place and time where and when I can live, love, work and play as I choose. Modern urban America is a far better habitat for women (especially GAY women) than, say, Afghanistan or Pakistan. That's not to say life here is perfect. Even in my small hip town outside New York City there are signs of old thinking, acting and re-acting.

"Look at you two ladies, carrying that all by yourselves!", a woman (yes, a fellow woman!*#) said to my partner and me as we carried our kayak down the ramp to the bay for a summer paddle. We smiled. "Don't worry, dear, I know what I'm doing," smirked the refrigerator guy who proceeded to tap into the wrong pipe for the inside-the-door ice and water dispenser. This was AFTER I had accompanied him down the stairs to show him the RIGHT pipe. "Aren't you an intelligent little lady," proclaimed the school district's hired architect who was fielding questions from residents at a school board meeting. And I still receive mail addressed to Mrs. Robert Lay, even though my husband and I have been legally separated for three years. My own name appears nowhere in that title. It's as if I don't exist. Come on now. As the heroine Abeleen, in the bestselling book 'The Help' taught little Mae Mobley, I too am smart, I am kind and I am important. I have made it my business to know how my pipes flow and how my school taxes are spent.

This is not to say straight women cannot know from kayaks and cold water pipes. I think I am just a little more defensive than most, perhaps due to my orientation. I have little patience, no, make that NO patience for chauvinists or condescension.

That said, I am so glad to live here where I can walk down Main Street holding my partner's hand and invite neighbors in for dinner. My partner and I can sit together in church where everyone, old and young, knows us as a couple. It is a great thing to be able to maneuver through entire days without once thinking about how we might appear to others. Our kids belong to their high school's thriving Gay/Straight Alliance where I was surprised to learn, the ratio of gay to straight is approximately even. It is okay to come out there and same-sex couples are welcome at the Prom. Now, I'm not foolish enough to think there is no anguish. It's not perfect by a long shot. But it is better than it was a generation ago, when I was an uncomfortable teenager living without even a name for what I was feeling.

I am 56 now, and out. Happily so. It feels good to live clean and true, even though it took a while. Life can get better.

Faith (or 'The Life of Riley')

(Note: this was prepared as the children's sermon for my local United Methodist Church. The woman in the story is my friend and the church's secretary. And, of course, the star of the story is her dog Riley)


How many of you have a dog?

How many of you have been to an animal shelter like the North Shore Animal League or the North Hempstead Animal Shelter? Did you get your dog from a place like that?

Today’s lesson has a dog in it, but really, it’s about FAITH. Faith is when you know God will make something good happen to you even when everything looks bad.


I’m going to tell you a true story.

Once, a number of years ago, in Florida, a dog was found wandering on the street.
He had been left there by his owner who didn’t want him anymore. The local dog shelter took him in where he got a clean kennel and food every day.

Now that sounds pretty good, except for one thing. This shelter had lots of dogs - too many, in fact. They didn’t have room for them all. Every now and then some nice people would come there and adopt one of the dogs and take them home. But many of them were not adopted. The shelter had to make the very hard decision to put the unadopted dogs to sleep after a while. No one was coming for them and the shelter had no room to keep them.

Now when this particular dog got to the shelter, he looked around and saw that the dogs who were there for a longer while were eventually walked through the big grey door in the back. These dogs did not come out again. He knew what that meant.

So.
Every day, the shelter welcomed visitors who were looking to adopt a pet. They would stop and spend lots of time looking at the noisy dogs, the small cute dogs and the puppies. Our one dog was not like that. He was very big and no longer a cute puppy. He did not bark or cry, but instead waited patiently. ‘I know someone will come for me,’ he thought. ‘I’ll know them when I see them.’

He waited for days. And more days. Dogs all around him got adopted and taken home. New dogs arrived. Each day he was moved closer and closer to the grey door. But still he watched and waited for his special person. Standing still and quiet. Searching everyone’s eyes. ‘Are you the one?’ he asked over and over again.

Finally, on the very afternoon before it was his turn to go through the grey door, a woman came into the kennel area. She passed by all the noisy dogs. She passed by all the cute small dogs. She passed by all the puppies. She was looking for her special dog. “I’ll know him when I see him,” she said to the kennel worker.

Our dog was watching her this whole time. Standing, still and quiet, his eyes never left her face. When she finally reached him, he looked up at her. ‘I knew you would come,’ he said to her in his mind. ‘What took you so long?’ “I came as soon as I could,” she replied. Come on. Let’s go home.”

She clipped on him a brand new blue collar and together they walked out into the Florida sunshine. Our normally quiet dog was so happy that he suddenly turned around and jumped straight up into the air. The woman smiled.

Nine years have passed since that faithful dog went home with that faithful woman.
And today they are here to say hi to all of you.

Pat and Riley, come on in.

Voices Joined, Souls in Sync

I suffer badly from S.A.D. You know, Seasonal Affected Disorder. I am depressed from November through March every year. It's the dark AND the cold that do me in. I love the sun and its warmth spreading over my shoulders, letting me know of its presence at all times. The only footwear I desire to own are flip flops and I want to be buried in board shorts. In another life, I am sure I was a surfer dude. I dream of owning a surf shack and having a beach cruiser as my sole means of transport. My dogs would frolic in the ocean and I would have a vast collection of sea glass.

But I live in the Northeast where winter means gray skies, dirty snow and high heating costs. I am quite fond of the town I live in, though, and that helps. Here, on this lovely Long Island peninsula, there are many things to do during the cold dark months, like local concerts, free library talks and restaurants on the bay where even winter views are beautiful.

Yesterday, one such event took place. It was the annual multi-church/synagogue choir concert at the local nature preserve (once a wealthy person's estate) and MY choir sang in it! Each choir got about 20 minutes and then we ended with a rousing combined chorale of America the Beautiful, the entire packed audience joining in. The music was really good, but even better was the spirit of community that permeated the large and sunny room.

For a couple of hours on a chilly mid-winter Sunday afternoon, brightness and warmth abounded. Friends and neighbors chatted, older folks laughed with young. The gray stone walls of the Preserve mansion seemed to glow a little in the filtered afternoon light as we walked back to our cars, the setting sun promising to come back a little earlier the next day.

They say music is the language of the soul. Yes. Yes I believe it is.

A Very Christopher Christmas

Every family has their own unique holiday traditions, whether they are born out of local custom or just individual quirkiness. Mine was no different. My younger brother's birthday was on Christmas Eve and that only added to our, um, traditions.

I am the middle of three children, the only girl. We grew up in the newly burgeoning suburbs that was Long Island in the 50s and 60s. I know many of you can relate. It was an era of Vietnam, the Beatles, Woodstock and elephant bells. During the Christmas season, we all watched 'Miracle on 34th Street', 'It's a Wonderful Life' and 'A Charlie Brown Christmas'. We thought it was funny to do the dance the Peanut characters did when they are supposed to be rehearsing for the school pageant.

As I mentioned, my younger brother Christopher was born on Christmas Eve. I was seven that year, my older brother David was nine. I remember it well. My mother, all 5-foot-one-98-pounds of her, was pretty much bursting at the seams. She came into my room in the late afternoon to say she and my dad were going to the hospital to have the baby and that Grandma was going to take care of us until dad came home. Later that evening, the call came that, indeed, our baby brother had been born.

My excitement at being a big sister was mixed with a large dose of regular Christmas excitement. I still believed Santa was coming down our chimney later that evening and I wanted to let him know about our extra-special news. So I secretly took my Thumbelina doll, which looked and moved just like a REAL BABY when you turned the big pink knob on her back, and, carefully swaddling her, laid her on the corner of the couch in the living room right next to the tree. David and I were put to bed, where visions of Lionel trains and go-carts danced in our heads.

Now, David had his own Christmas tradition. Every year, late in the night after 'Santa' had already come and gone, he would get up, sneak into the living room and peruse the bootie. This night was no different. He tiptoed into the room and waited for his eyes to adjust to the dark, scanning for packages with his name on them. Suddenly, a slight movement caught his eye on the couch. Moving closer, he could see it was a baby. It must be HIS NEW BABY BROTHER!, sleeping peacefully there. He left for his bedroom quickly so as not to wake the napping infant.

Next morning, at the crack of dawn, we ran to wake dad and grandma and hurried into the living room for the morning's festivities. Everyone was in a great mood. David said, happily, "I can't wait to sit on the couch and hold the new baby!" My dad looked confused. "David, the baby is still at the hospital with mom. They won't be home for five more days." "Then who is THAT?!", David asked, now much perplexed as he pointed to the bundle on the couch. I burst out laughing. "That's MY THUMBELINA DOLL, stupid!", I roared, delighted to one-up my usually crafty brother. "I wanted Santa to see her." David's cheeks turned red. "I didn't get to look at my presents because of your stinky DOLL?", he wailed. I moved out of range. "Come on, you two," dad said sternly. "Stop fighting and open your presents."

We did not need to be told twice. David got a new train engine and the deluxe two-lever control that allowed you to send the trains forward and backward. I got Gaylord, the big toy bassett hound complete with cardboard dog house. Grandma called us into the kitchen where we had sweet buns and grapefruit halves and the homemade Christmas cookies mom had left for us.

Five days later, the Plymouth pulled into the driveway and my once-again slim mother climbed out with baby Christopher in her arms. We ran out to greet them and spent the rest of the day taking turned holding our new brother and listening delightedly to his birth story. Grandma stayed on for an extra week to help out.

It was the best Christmas ever.

Mentor, Methodist, Mother

The birds came to the backyard feeder like always. But on this day, the normally noisy crows, grackles, cardinals, mockingbirds and robins were perched solemn and silent. Only the haunting coo of the ground-walking mourning doves could be heard in the late September morning mist. It seemed they knew, as is often the uncanny way with animals, that their friend and protector had gone away.

This backyard belonged to my friend Barbara. She was 81 years old when she passed away two weeks ago, and, aside from successfully managed diabetes and the occasional ache and pain, she had appeared healthy and active. Our relationship was multi-layered and textured. She was in turns, friend, cohort and mother. She had sat next to me in church choir for the past 12 years, our alto voices - hers delicate and tremulous, mine booming and obnoxious - mixing in with the other eclectic sopranos, basses and Jon, our lonely tenor.

Barbara had a no-nonsense approach to health and life in general. She was a nurse, specializing in Hospice care, which says a lot right there. She visited unwell friends and neighbors who were often a good deal younger than she. She had little time for whiners, yet infinite patience with those whose needs and weaknesses she could see and understand.

She chaired the United Methodist Women (UMW) committee and hosted meetings poolside at her house. At one such meeting, this past year, she had the women over for an end-of season barbecue. Now Barbara was a fine host, but she liked to have things a certain way and could get grumpy when they weren't. On this particular summer evening she was planning supper and a swim. When some of the other United Methodist women wanted more of a spiritual meeting where devotionals would be read - Barbara saw red. "This is supposed to be a party!", she exclaimed. "Save the the readings for church!"

Despite her self-proclaimed grumpiness, Barbara was a wonderful mom, grandma, neighbor and confidante. She had four kids and six grandchildren. Most of her grandchildren were already grown but there was one young granddaughter who lived nearby. This elementary-age girl adored and counted on her grandmother for everything from homework help to swimming lessons to special school night dinners at the kitchen counter.

Barbara's backyard pool was a mecca for several families, including mine. My partner and I and our teenagers would spend Sunday afternoons every summer there. We were there the week before she died. Barbara was in good spirits, bringing out drinks and snacks, admonishing us to take all leftovers home or she would end up eating them. It was a simple thing, these afternoons, but a memory each of us will keep.

It was one such summer two years ago that Barbara learned my partner and I were actually a couple. She had known and loved both of us separately, and now, not only did she not appear surprised by the news, she took both of us in her arms and hugged us close, saying how happy she was for us and our kids. When this breaking news spread throughout the congregation, it was largely because of Barbara's love and visible support that we were consequently embraced by the others.

Our semi-weekly book group also met at Barbara's house. In between discussions of books, each member found safe haven for the telling of more personal things. Traumas, triumphs, hurts, hopes, losses and loves spilled out around Barbara's table as the fire she always had going crackled nearby. Although she herself often listened more that she spoke, it was clear to all that she could contain the sum of the concerns of our hearts and hold them carefully.

The choir meets tonight for its weekly practice. We will be working on music for two services. One is this coming Sunday's regular morning service. The other is for Barbara's memorial service, to be held later in the afternoon after church. In the choir loft, we will sit in our usual spots. Tonight I will slide over just a little to the right in order to be where Barbara sat for 50 years. I will listen hard to hear her voice still there among us as we raise ours in hymn and song. On Sunday, I will wear her green choir robe and process down the church aisle with a different alto at my side. The anthem chosen for her service is one that is a call-and-answer with the youth choir (the same teenagers who spent summers in her pool) and the adult choir singing together. 'Through the Window' by Ruth Elaine Schram paints a picture of children playing outside while parents prayerfully watch them from inside. It is a moving piece, one the choir - with Barbara - has sung before.

"Through the window, I can see you, You are playing, I am praying . . . Praying for your future, praying for your friends. Praying for your family, may those faithful prayers never end." I hope Barbara will hear us and see us.

Cafe au Lait (Coffee Old Lady)

You can already smell it in the air. That turning of the seasons, the scent of pine mixed in with the honeysuckle on the cool evening breeze. The sound of rakes skritching crisply over fallen leaves. The waiting behind school buses as they stop to pick up and drop off their charges, breathing in toxic diesel fumes as you idle behind them.

Autumn is just upon us. I love Autumn for all the same reasons most people do. And I know many parents welcome September because the kids are back in school and out of their hair for at least six hours a day. My daughters are also back. The oldest, who I just last week escorted to Santa Barbara to begin her second year at UCSB, needed help feathering her new, shared off-campus apartment. She is living with six other girls a quick walk (or skateboard ride) away from her classes in an enclave called Isla Vista, or I.V. for short. To give you a true picture of I.V., please note that I was the oldest person in the entire town by 30 years. This obvious fact, however was not immediately noticeable to me.

Early the morning after we arrived, I rose and dressed quietly (not necessary, since college kids sleep like rocks), anxious to ride into town to find strong coffee. As I pedaled through the palm trees past the hippie Food Co-op and the Yuppie Sushi Hut, I had happy thoughts. "Oh, how cool is this town?!", I mused, glad that the bike I borrowed from my daughter was a groovy tropical green beach cruiser, which allowed me to blend in seamlessly with the locals. I rode up and down the streets believing I was a young blonde surfer out to procure java and perhaps catch a rip curl.

After trolling the streets, I finally found an open coffee shop called I.V. Drip. Perfect. Give it to me in my arm. I pulled up, expertly flipping the kickstand with my foot, locked the bike and sauntered in. "A tall cafe au lait,", I said casually noting the impressed look on the sleepy-looking barista. As he turned to steam my drink, I scanned the room. A couple of girls in college hoodies sat in one corner talking and texting. A boy with major bedhead sat in the window with his face pressed up to the screen of his laptop, skateboard propped against the leg of his distressed jeans.

I got my coffee and sipped it slowly. When I was done, I thanked the guy and sauntered back out. Yes, definitely cool.

Until I caught my reflection in the shop window. There was white-haired granny, her wrinkles clearly etched into her face, elbows and knees. Who was I kidding? I sighed and got back on the bike, winching at the twinge of arthritis which had recently settled into my hips.

My daughter and her friends were awake when I got back. we spent that day and the next shopping for food, kitchen stuff and a twin mattress set. We went to lunch at the local taco place and walked down to the beach, putting only our toes into the freezing cold Pacific Ocean. Confident she was settled and secure I hugged her goodbye and got on the plane for home. My baby, all grown up.

I have heard it said that we are not only the age we are at any given time, but also every age we have ever been in the past. This would account for my delusions of youth in Isla Vista. And my groaningly immature jokes at the dinner table. And my childlike tears of abandonment at the loss of both my parents within the last two years.

I am nearly 56. But I am also twenty and fifteen and five. Sometimes it seems I am a jumble of many ages and its hard to figure out exactly WHAT I am feeling. I am glad to be alive. I am glad I can still ride a bike. Maybe I'll take surfing lessons next year.

Lunch On a Bush

As I was walking toward my front door today, I passed by my recently-trimmed forsythia bush. My peripheral vision caught a slight movement on the rounded top and when I looked closer I saw an adolescent Praying Mantis perched there. She was busily munching on the head of a brown moth and did not notice me at first. I called to my son inside the house. "Come out here for a minute!" He came and spent a few moments trying to focus in on where I was pointing, since the mantis looked so much like a folded leaf. "Ah" he said finally. "I see it." The mantis was chewing. We could see her mandibles moving. She lifted her front leg (hand? claw? paw?) to put in another morsel when suddenly she looked up and froze. "Who are you?", she asked us, somewhat annoyed. "This is MY moth and anyway, you are not supposed to see me here." "So sorry," we said, hastening to add in a friendly tone, "go on with your lunch. We won't bother you."

Her name was Helen and she was about three inches long, with brown wings and lime green head and legs. Helen was unconvinced about our benign intentions. Giving us backward-glancing dirty looks, she clutched her moth, wiped her mouth (I think it was her mouth) and walked away on the top of the bush. "Hmmmff!'" she mumbled, her mouth still full.

Now, I love to watch spiders in their webs attached to my clothsline, butterflies on my zinnias and bees in my honeysuckle. But watching a mid-summer Praying Mantis is especially thrilling, maybe because spotting them is such a rare occurrence and because they are so large and alien-like. But unlike other bugs who seem to love flying and buzzing around humans, the mantis (what's the plural? Mantii? Mantes?)always seems annoyed and put out when noticed.

So I asked the retreating Helen. "Why don't you like us watching you, even when you know we mean you no harm?" Without stopping or looking back, she answered. "How would YOU like it if a giant bug-eyed, antennaed buzzing thing watched YOU eat your lunch?"

I thought about this. Helen was right. No one likes to be caught with their mouth full, especially when it is full of moth head, or worse, mate head. In teenage Helen's case, I have a feeling eating the moth's head was just practice.